Heidi Turner Sells Lamp Oil 2: Lusting for Laxatives
by MorningStorm666
Summary: Sequel to "Heidi Turner Sells Lamp Oil". Contains more poop humor.


Heidi Turner had become wealthy, well-known, and also quite stinky by suggesting that the people of South Park stop using the American dollar as currency and start using human fecal matter as currency. It all started because of a power outage. Heidi wanted to sell Lamp Oil so that people could light their homes without the need for electricity, but she knew it was pointless to sell Lamp Oil if you're not going to get feces in exchange for it. Eric Cartman had tried to swindle her out of some Lamp Oil by trying to give her cow poop for it, but she discerned that it was not human poop and threatened him with a gun. Aside from that small hitch, Heidi's Lamp Oil store was doing mighty fine business and she was collecting more and more feces every day. Her usual price for Lamp Oil was three and a half pounds of human feces per gallon, but she was now also selling her own premium brand of Lamp Oil for five pounds of feces per gallon.

But Heidi had a bit of a problem. She thought that by changing the currency system to human feces it would help prevent poverty in her town. However, her friend Kenny was still poor. By an incredibly strange and unfortunate coincidence, as soon as the currency system was changed to feces, Kenny's entire family was struck with a bout of constipation that had not yet ended. Heidi felt very sad for them. She wanted to help end poverty, but she didn't know how. Then one day the solution hit her. It hit her like a freight train hits one's face on a balmy south eastern panorama-roonie.

To end poverty, all Heidi needed to do was distribute laxatives. That way everyone could produce the feces they needed to use as currency. Heidi quickly called together a town meeting so that she could speak to everyone. Even though Heidi was only nine, it was widely accepted that she was the most awesome person ever, so the townspeople gathered with great anticipation to hear what she had to say.

"Dear everyone," Heidi began, "Poverty still exists. Just like there were people who could not make money at a fast enough rate to not be poor, there are now people who cannot shit out enough poo to not be poor. I believe that we should create a massive laxative stockpile where the poor can come and be given free laxatives. Let's end poverty! I want you all to gather all the laxatives you can and stockpile them at our church. Whenever someone becomes poor due to constipation, they can just come grab a laxative at the church and boom, problem solved!"

Everyone agreed that it was an awesome plan and that it was super duper fucking brilliant. However, unbeknownst to Heidi, Eric Cartman was listening in on her scheme and was plotting his revenge against her for previously foiling his attempt to swindle her out of Lamp Oil.

The following day, Heidi was leading Kenny to the church so that she could give him a nice supply of laxatives for his family and end their poverty. However, when she got to the church she saw that it was burnt to the ground.

"What the hell?" Heidi exclaimed, confused.

"Who could've done this?" Kenny asked.

"Who hates poor people?" Heidi asked.

"Cartman," Kenny replied nonchalantly.

"I'm gonna kick his ass!"

Heidi roundhouse kicked the door to Cartman's house down and bellowed at him.

"You like burning down churches that help the homeless, you son of a bitch?"

"I had to. You wouldn't share your Lamp Oil profits with me!"

Heidi jumped through the air and kicked Cartman in the face. He cried for his mom like he usually did whenever he was in any sort of fight. Next, Heidi pulled out a gun.

"Now, you're gonna build me a thousand tubes of laxatives or else I'm gonna bust a cap in yo ass!" Heidi yelled at him.

Cartman opened his mouth to complain, but Heidi then cocked the gun at him. And so, Cartman spent the night making one thousand tubes of laxatives at gunpoint.

After it was all said and done, Heidi met with Kenny to give him a large supply of laxatives.

"Gee, I don't know if these laxatives were worth all the trouble," Kenny contemplated.

"My boy, these laxatives are what all true warriors strive for," Heidi reassured him.

And that was indeed true, for Kenny's family was no longer poor from that day on since they always had the laxatives that would allow them to produce the feces they needed as currency.


End file.
